Daily Utterance

Get Flaked

So, I got flaked. For the 3rd time by someone I’ve been trying to make friends with since last year. Am I sad? Yeah… kinda. But honestly, I get it. It takes a flaker to get a flaker you know. Plus, perhaps meeting each other isn’t such a great idea during this pandemic anyways.

Since my friend from work flaked on my today, I spent my day at home just… being me! It wasn’t a bad day at all to be honest. I started on Chloe Ting’s 2022 weight loss program. Day 1 was brutal. I could barely get through the ab workout. But I really enjoyed the HIIT workout she put out for this program though! Maybe it’s because it doesn’t require you to do planks. I don’t have a problem with planks but when doing HIIT I’d like to stick to things that don’t make me dread so I can bring my heart rate up.

After working out I walked over to the convenient store to buy snacks. The weather was super nice today! When I got home from the convenient store run I made myself some tempura udon and it was b-o-m-b.

Then I spent some time reading my old blog entries and boy does it sting to go through my memories. Reading my entries about high school made me wonder when last time I actually hung out with a group of friends I’m comfortable with and just having a good time. Maybe never since high school? I mean, I loved my Sac friends and they were probably the last group of friends that I felt comfortable with. But I hate myself for not opening myself up to them more, you know? Now things are just awkward. Well it also doesn’t help that 98% of them are dudes. When I was trying to recall this “group of friend thing” I sometimes feel like I recently hung out with a very close group of friends. Then I laughed at myself because that feeling all came from me watching Going Seventeen. They’ve been with me for the past several years to feed that feeling for me. Silly me. After reading my old entries though, it’s so clear what brings me happiness. I really sound the happiest when I talk about my idols. What does this say about me?

I came to Japan hoping that I could break out of my shell and really put myself out there. But due to circumstances, I can’t really do that. I have a friend from my Sac group who moved to Japan last year and of course he’s putting himself out there, which is great for him. But I can’t do that.

Of course. Of course. People will tell me, don’t be scared. Just do it. That’s not it, you know. I don’t want to meet people knowing that I’m not doing what I believe is the right thing to do to end this pandemic once and for all. I’m doing what I believe is right and I put myself in this situation. I know that very well.

In conclusion, it sucks but I’m okay.

May 2022
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