Late night rambling, I miss talking to you.

Hello Hello. How are you doing? It’s been awhile since I’ve done a free write post where I just spit out whatever I feel like saying. I recently updated my social medias to link to my blog again. I guess, I am ready to write out my emotions here and have the world read it. I am not scared of it anymore. And let’s be honest, who even bothers reading blogs anymore unless you are actually interested in that person.

In the past 9-ish years It’s been awkward writing about my life or my emotions on Hoshiru because a majority of my life during that time was shared with another human being- a significant other. And because of that, anything I say on here can either be taken personally or I could be violating someone else’s privacy. Instead of beating around the bush all the time, I guess I ended up not writing about much of my life at all. With that said, I am now solo. Single. No romantic significant other and I am happy.

I’ve actually been single for awhile. But it took time to actually sink in. I’ve been in long term relationships back to back to back for the past 10 years. It’s insane to think that I’ve always had someone there for me. I’ve always been foolish when it comes to love. Always so emotionally invested, giving it my everything, or even telling white lies to make the other person happy. Because their happiness was my happiness, I would do anything for them. But the more I gave, the more it broke me. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know how to piece myself back together. When you are as emotionally broken as I was, you are not ready for another relationship.

I made a lot of mistakes and I am still digesting it. The main lesson I’ve learn out of my latest relationship is that I need to allow myself time to digest these lessons before jumping into another one or else. This is very important. If you don’t do that, you’ll end up like me, a time ticking bomb, just waiting to explode when the right conditions are met. You’ll end up hurting other people. You’ll be carrying on that chain of abuse. You’ll become the one who is in the wrong. You’ll slowly turn into a demon. So stop it. Stop it before it’s too late.

Now of course, just because a relationship ended, it doesn’t mean it was all bad. I used to be someone filled with regret, anger, sadness, etc. I find that I would constantly blame my ex’s for my failures in life. But the truth is, I was in control of my life I just chose not to take it. Perhaps I was afraid of being alone. The feeling of loneliness creeps up on me sometimes even when I’m in a relationship, so what would it be like when I’m single?

I don’t think I’m scared anymore though. I realized that life isn’t all about dating, love, or that giggly stuff that makes your heart feel good. There are other things in life that I can finally focus on like, actually making friends, my hobbies, my work, my family. It honestly doesn’t take much to make me happy. If work goes well, I can come home to listen to my favourite songs while sipping a nice hot cup of tea. That sounds like heaven, doesn’t it?

Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: Healing – SEVENTEEN
Craving: Seolleongtang
Watching: Going Seventeen 2020