You were my …

Happy 2013! Happy 21st Birthday to me! Happy season 3 on League!

I know this post is kinda late, but I wanted to write about this eventually… It’s not like I didn’t have time, I just couldn’t seem to sort things out in my mind. Not that I can now, but I think I can grasp a better understanding of the situation. It is quite embarrassing writing about this, but I really wanted to put it into words. I’m sick of it being a vague concept in my mind.

Around the end of 2011, I met someone at my school, we had classes together every other day. He was a mere classmate of mine, a person in class that I can rely on to partner up with in class if we ever had to. But somehow the more we talked, the more I looked forward to going to class. At first he didn’t leave much of an impression, but the next thing I know I find myself talking about him to people around me. I started noticing him sitting around waiting for class on days I don’t have classes with him. On those days I would spend that 10 mins between classes talking to him even though I was suppose to rush to my other class located on the other end of campus. Eventually, by the time the end of the quarter came, we became such close friends that we talked to each other as if we knew each other for years.

*it made me giggle every time I had to correct him when he mistook me for a long time friend

Things continue this way throughout the entire school year. It felt great having someone at school that I can just call up and be like “hey where are you? wanna meet up?” or “are you at school yet?” or “have you done the homework yet?” or that one person who would rant about his bus rides and I would do the same back. After classes we would talk about the awkward things that happened in class, analyzing what we did wrong or right on the tests we just took. Through our endless conversations, we started to have inside jokes, usual meeting places, and we formed a competitive attitude towards each other–「勝負だ!」is what he would often blurt out at anything compete-able.  Somehow, he became my go-to person.. I find myself relying on him so much not only on school, but also mentally. If I ever feel sad, I would go to him– just seeing him was enough to brighten my day. Then I thought to myself .. ah.. so this is what it was like having a friend.

But I was wrong.

Spring was the season I knew, I knew that I didn’t thought of him only as a friend. I knew it very well every morning I saw him, but I didn’t want to admit it, I denied it. When I found out he wouldn’t be in town during summer break, I was sad but relief at the same time. I thought to myself “maybe I only felt that way because I see him everyday” but when summer came by, I found myself thinking about him even more. It was hard to not be so excited to come home and talk to him. He would complain about not getting to converse with people much because all he does it work and go home. I wanted to be there for him, I wanted to have fun with him, I wanted to spend summer with him. It got until the point where I considered visiting him, calculating how much time it would take, how much money it would take then.. I paused. Of course this isn’t appropriate… plus, who ever said he felt the same way about me?

When the new school year started, it was refreshing seeing him at school everyday again. Nothing changed between us, actually, I think we got much more comfortable with each other that we wouldn’t be too embarrass to admit things we don’t usually want people to know about us. I got used to him enough so sing and dance and make him dance with me. Everyday was great fun until a very windy autumn day in November when he finally told me how he felt towards me. I still remember what it was like.. what I was wearing, what he was wearing… the moment he told me to “sit down” right before I was going to leave … and how I curled up into a ball when he told me that he liked me.

I wasn’t sure how to react. I know I was happy that he felt the same way but I was extremely angry at the same time because I knew deep down that our relationship was the kind of relationship that would change if you were to ever put it into words. But it was the risk he was willing to take and wanted to take. What made me even more angry is that he didn’t give me a choice of what to answer.. he said to me “.. and I know you feel the same way because of the way you act towards me”, I don’t know if he saw my reaction when he said that or not but … I really wish he didn’t say that.

After that day, everyday I have 2 people constantly telling me what I should do, what is the right thing to do, what would make me happy, what wouldn’t make me happy, what I would regret, and what I won’t regret. At one point, him and I became almost like a normal couple, a happy couple.. but it wasn’t right. This was going on for a month .. until I got tired of it all. I wanted to throw everything away. My mind would shout “leave me alone already!!!”  .. I didn’t know what I want anymore.

The last day of class I brought his game he lent me for the summer. The game I barely played because I had a hard time feeling comfortable playing on the PS3 …This game was like the baton of our friendship. If I gave it back to him, I knew we weren’t going to talk to each other normally again

and it happened.

Winter 2013, originally he was supposed to be in a different class from me, but for some reason he switched to my class by the teacher’s request (we needed more guys in our class) <- or so I think that was the case. Despite him being in my class, he never greet me, nor look at me, nor smile at me. There are days where I try to talk to him, and he would awkwardly reply back as if I was some crazy person. And there are days where I would wave at him with a smile only to have him ignore me completely. But there were also days where I got to talk to him by chance in class and see him laugh about something and I would feel happy. The him I know would laugh at anything I find funny,,, but he wasn’t the person I know anymore.

At the beginning of the quarter, I saw him as my best friend. Then as the quarter progresses, I started to catch on that we’re nothing but mare classmates who have no interest in talking to each other.
All of this that happened has changed me a lot. I became much more … unmotivated, much more selfish, much more self-centered, much more agitated after all of this. I feel like a liar, a betrayer, a back stabber and fake. All of the things I’ve told him in the past,,, “If you really want something, go for it, fight for it, force your way for it!!!”… “If you want a colorful life then, you have to color it yourself ” … “you’re not only some friend of mine anymore, if you were to go away then I would cry years worth of tears…”     I still believe that all of this is true but, if I was the person who contradict all of this then, who is there to believe?
Because he filled in something that was missing in my life,
I wanted to be someone who could fill in for parts that he’s missing too.
Little did I know that I am not capable of doing that.
I was too weak and wasn’t ready to do that.
Then the story we shared has concluded and we will probably become strangers again.

As much as I want to paint a new canvas of my life alone, I can’t forget that I have someone who’s been holding my hand all this time.
How could I forget?

I think I will take my own advice for once, “We’ll just have to lock this moment up in a treasure box, and shove it into the memory drawer” … I’m sure that one day I’ll read this post again and smile thinking ‘ah, I remember that one time’.  That won’t be until a long time though, considering how I still remember my 7th grade crush’s birthday despite not having it documented anywhere.

At this time I question myself, judging from all the things I did to him.. was my feeling for him really something I would call love?