Category: School

Bottled up Frustrations

HondaiMood: Frustrated
Listening to: 拝啓グッバイさようなら – DAOKO
Playing: Beat EVO YG
Craving: Sundubu Jjigae
Watching: Ai Yori Aoshi: Enishi

To be honest, I dread one of my classes in college right now mostly because I feel like it requires too much (graded) work for the amount of credits. This is a 2 credit class, and I spend just as much, if not more time in this class than my 5 credit class. Now in terms of money per credit value, you can argue that, “well at least you’re getting more for what you paid for”, true. But I honestly don’t have time for it. While I understand that there must be a lot the professor wants to share, I cant agree with the amount of work load he puts on us. It’s quite inconsiderate of his student’s time because if someone signs up for a 2 credit class, they’re expecting a 2 credit workload. But instead I’m spending over 4 hours per assignment in this class, 2 hour lecture and I’m expected to go out of my way for a (pre-approved) Social Networking event…. that are usually during my work hours. I mean, it’s helpful and all but ugh.. just ugh.

Another complaint I have for the class is that the description is deceiving. The class title is “Careers in IT” and here is what it says

“This course provides an overview of careers in the computer field: the types of positions, job functions, salaries, expectations, requirements, skills, and abilities necessary for successful employment. Students assess their career objectives, including a timetable, resources, and steps needed to achieve those objectives. Students also prepare for technical interviews, develop their job search materials, and expand their professional network. This course is suitable for those exploring possibilities in IT as well as those preparing to launch a job search”

So far seven weeks into class, we’ve mostly did a lot of self evaluations and how to create a business card, resume, and cover letter. I was hoping more of a class that will open my horizon as to what the tech industry is all about. And how I should expect my entry level work to be like, what’s it like climbing up the career ladder, etc. I was hoping that our professor can bring in some real life examples so we can actually know. My college advertises that we have plenty of employers in the area that hire tech graduates, and I was kinda hoping they would dig more into what that’s all about. The biggest problem for most college students is that they’re expected to pick a major and spend the next 2-4 years of their life studying for it By the time you are 3 or 4 years in, you start questioning yourself…

Is this what I really want to do?
What kind of jobs can I even get with my degree?
Maybe I’m not cut out for this industry..

And so on…. I’ve asked myself these questions very often during my time in University and I know so many people out there who are the same way. Which comes to my point about this class, I was hoping this class would help clear out that cloud floating over head… but it hasn’t.

Though, not to say I haven’t learned anything in the class. I learned a lot of tips about networking and especially using LinkedIn as a tool to stay connected with your networks. Also, I love the idea that this class is required. I just really wish the class was executed differently because it could have been sooo much better and sooo useful to many new college students.

Anyways, I just wanted to let that frustration out of my system in writing… I’ll continue to remind myself that this is what I decided to do and I’ll do my best at it to the very send.

 


Life Update

HondaiMood: Productive
Listening to: Hallelujah – MIYAVI
Playing: Don’t Starve
Craving: Pizza
Watching: Korean Idol Dance Practice Videos

Life’s been so busy lately… I can’t believe Hoshiru is getting neglected again. No! I won’t let that happen! T_T.. Well anyways, I got a few updates to talk about here.

In case I never mentioned on here.. I’m back in school again! I decided to take classes for an associates degree Web Application Development! Going back for that webmaster dreamヽ(≧▽≦)ノ wooo! For this quarter I’m taking 8 credits, 3 classes. We’re currently on Week 3, and so far so good! I’m staying on top of all my assignments and still know what’s going on in class. (that sounds weird to say but TBH, by the time midterms come around I’m usually already behind in class). This time around I’m going to give school my all!!

Funny thing is, the same week I started school, my sister was getting ready to move to Japan so I was helping her out with moving shenanigans. I’m a little sad that my sister is moving away.. AGAIN! Well,  she’s been living abroad on and off since we’re in college so I’m used to it by now.

Work has also been picking up like crazy. Because some of our newer team members haven’t seen our work volume this high before, they don’t understand the importance of getting it done ASAP. So then, I start feeling pressured to get the work done or else other teams will start criticizing our team when the work starts piling up later in the day. There was even a day where I skipped lunch just to make sure I clear all the work before our cutoff time at 3 PM. Unfortunately, I feel like I’M the only one in my team who feels pressured this way.ಠ╭╮ಥ I really wish my teammates would put more effort in our work.

And there you have it! Family, School, Work… That’s what’s pretty much keeping me busy lately. I guess this is what people usually mean when they’re ‘busy with life‘. Even if I’m busy, I’m still going to try my best to not neglect what’s important to me because I remember regretting doing so in the past. Never forget!


あこがれ

人生の今まであこがればかりと感じる。All my life, I feel like all I’ve been doing is wishing that I had done something better.. or wanting to recreate/relive a certain stage of my life. When I first moved here to the states in the 7th grade, I kept trying to search for a place where I belong. Seeking for a kind of friendship that just wasn’t how the states work. I feel like I was bitter, all I did was complain about how things are rather than just accepting the negative aspects of it and working on the positives. Because I wasn’t used to this culture of no “after school” time at school, or people getting along because they shared interests and hobbies.  … I wasn’t like that. All I knew were Thai songs and Thai culture and school, was pretty much it. Sure orchestra was my savior from time to time, but it was still a hobby that wasn’t really something people liked to talk about.

By the time I got to high school I hated high school, I thought everyone changed, I felt like my junior high best friend was changing and I couldn’t connect well with her anymore. Every time I think of Greenday’s Time of Your Life song.. I think of our 9th grade farewell party and I look back,,, junior high wasn’t so bad.. Why didn’t I open myself to everyone sooner? Why was I so shy? I did find my place by the end of 10th grade in HS though, but before I knew it I was off to college in 11th grade.

While I was going to CCC I tried to visit my HS as often as I could but it was too hard. I ended up spending most of my time alone and online playing Maple Story. Honestly, the connections I made at this stage of my life some how became one of the most important people I met ever. For some reason, everyone just seem so.. sincere, honest, real? Not that we share anything in common besides this “Maple Story” game but we stay friends and often remind ourselves how important that moment was in our life. I’m a little happy that I’m not the only one who feels this way. So I guess, I never regret this moment in my life.

Funny thing is when I finally got into the UW, I thought I would enjoy my time at school more, but in the end it wasn’t different from college, in fact I wished I went out with the few friends I made at college. It was so hard making friends at the U because I came in as a transfer student, struggling to juggle love life, hobby and school. I was the biggest idiot at this point. Honestly, I still spent my time asking myself, why the hell did I not used the most out of my time there at the U? Who the heck cares if your BF thinks that studying in the library is stupid, who the hell cares if he thinks that study groups are pointless, why didn’t you try to hangout with other people more, do things at your own will, study harder, make more money. Why didn’t I do all of that? By the time I had the chance to do that.. it was already all too late, I’m graduating and I did.

As my train of thought went on,

 

I stopped..

and I realize that why do I spend my time regretting so much? Why don’t I just spend my time NOW how I should enjoy it? People always envy those who have a job, I know I sure did. I don’t have to stress about that homework that I used to stress about all the time. Oh, and what about that “I don’t have money” times, now I have that money to randomly go eat Boiling Point whenever I want.

そうだ、決めた。I try my best to not regret anymore.


You were my …

Happy 2013! Happy 21st Birthday to me! Happy season 3 on League!

I know this post is kinda late, but I wanted to write about this eventually… It’s not like I didn’t have time, I just couldn’t seem to sort things out in my mind. Not that I can now, but I think I can grasp a better understanding of the situation. It is quite embarrassing writing about this, but I really wanted to put it into words. I’m sick of it being a vague concept in my mind.

Around the end of 2011, I met someone at my school, we had classes together every other day. He was a mere classmate of mine, a person in class that I can rely on to partner up with in class if we ever had to. But somehow the more we talked, the more I looked forward to going to class. At first he didn’t leave much of an impression, but the next thing I know I find myself talking about him to people around me. I started noticing him sitting around waiting for class on days I don’t have classes with him. On those days I would spend that 10 mins between classes talking to him even though I was suppose to rush to my other class located on the other end of campus. Eventually, by the time the end of the quarter came, we became such close friends that we talked to each other as if we knew each other for years.

*it made me giggle every time I had to correct him when he mistook me for a long time friend

Things continue this way throughout the entire school year. It felt great having someone at school that I can just call up and be like “hey where are you? wanna meet up?” or “are you at school yet?” or “have you done the homework yet?” or that one person who would rant about his bus rides and I would do the same back. After classes we would talk about the awkward things that happened in class, analyzing what we did wrong or right on the tests we just took. Through our endless conversations, we started to have inside jokes, usual meeting places, and we formed a competitive attitude towards each other–「勝負だ!」is what he would often blurt out at anything compete-able.  Somehow, he became my go-to person.. I find myself relying on him so much not only on school, but also mentally. If I ever feel sad, I would go to him– just seeing him was enough to brighten my day. Then I thought to myself .. ah.. so this is what it was like having a friend.

But I was wrong.

Spring was the season I knew, I knew that I didn’t thought of him only as a friend. I knew it very well every morning I saw him, but I didn’t want to admit it, I denied it. When I found out he wouldn’t be in town during summer break, I was sad but relief at the same time. I thought to myself “maybe I only felt that way because I see him everyday” but when summer came by, I found myself thinking about him even more. It was hard to not be so excited to come home and talk to him. He would complain about not getting to converse with people much because all he does it work and go home. I wanted to be there for him, I wanted to have fun with him, I wanted to spend summer with him. It got until the point where I considered visiting him, calculating how much time it would take, how much money it would take then.. I paused. Of course this isn’t appropriate… plus, who ever said he felt the same way about me?

When the new school year started, it was refreshing seeing him at school everyday again. Nothing changed between us, actually, I think we got much more comfortable with each other that we wouldn’t be too embarrass to admit things we don’t usually want people to know about us. I got used to him enough so sing and dance and make him dance with me. Everyday was great fun until a very windy autumn day in November when he finally told me how he felt towards me. I still remember what it was like.. what I was wearing, what he was wearing… the moment he told me to “sit down” right before I was going to leave … and how I curled up into a ball when he told me that he liked me.

I wasn’t sure how to react. I know I was happy that he felt the same way but I was extremely angry at the same time because I knew deep down that our relationship was the kind of relationship that would change if you were to ever put it into words. But it was the risk he was willing to take and wanted to take. What made me even more angry is that he didn’t give me a choice of what to answer.. he said to me “.. and I know you feel the same way because of the way you act towards me”, I don’t know if he saw my reaction when he said that or not but … I really wish he didn’t say that.

After that day, everyday I have 2 people constantly telling me what I should do, what is the right thing to do, what would make me happy, what wouldn’t make me happy, what I would regret, and what I won’t regret. At one point, him and I became almost like a normal couple, a happy couple.. but it wasn’t right. This was going on for a month .. until I got tired of it all. I wanted to throw everything away. My mind would shout “leave me alone already!!!”  .. I didn’t know what I want anymore.

The last day of class I brought his game he lent me for the summer. The game I barely played because I had a hard time feeling comfortable playing on the PS3 …This game was like the baton of our friendship. If I gave it back to him, I knew we weren’t going to talk to each other normally again

and it happened.

Winter 2013, originally he was supposed to be in a different class from me, but for some reason he switched to my class by the teacher’s request (we needed more guys in our class) <- or so I think that was the case. Despite him being in my class, he never greet me, nor look at me, nor smile at me. There are days where I try to talk to him, and he would awkwardly reply back as if I was some crazy person. And there are days where I would wave at him with a smile only to have him ignore me completely. But there were also days where I got to talk to him by chance in class and see him laugh about something and I would feel happy. The him I know would laugh at anything I find funny,,, but he wasn’t the person I know anymore.

At the beginning of the quarter, I saw him as my best friend. Then as the quarter progresses, I started to catch on that we’re nothing but mare classmates who have no interest in talking to each other.
All of this that happened has changed me a lot. I became much more … unmotivated, much more selfish, much more self-centered, much more agitated after all of this. I feel like a liar, a betrayer, a back stabber and fake. All of the things I’ve told him in the past,,, “If you really want something, go for it, fight for it, force your way for it!!!”… “If you want a colorful life then, you have to color it yourself ” … “you’re not only some friend of mine anymore, if you were to go away then I would cry years worth of tears…”     I still believe that all of this is true but, if I was the person who contradict all of this then, who is there to believe?
Because he filled in something that was missing in my life,
I wanted to be someone who could fill in for parts that he’s missing too.
Little did I know that I am not capable of doing that.
I was too weak and wasn’t ready to do that.
Then the story we shared has concluded and we will probably become strangers again.

As much as I want to paint a new canvas of my life alone, I can’t forget that I have someone who’s been holding my hand all this time.
How could I forget?

I think I will take my own advice for once, “We’ll just have to lock this moment up in a treasure box, and shove it into the memory drawer” … I’m sure that one day I’ll read this post again and smile thinking ‘ah, I remember that one time’.  That won’t be until a long time though, considering how I still remember my 7th grade crush’s birthday despite not having it documented anywhere.

At this time I question myself, judging from all the things I did to him.. was my feeling for him really something I would call love?