あこがれ

人生の今まであこがればかりと感じる。All my life, I feel like all I’ve been doing is wishing that I had done something better.. or wanting to recreate/relive a certain stage of my life. When I first moved here to the states in the 7th grade, I kept trying to search for a place where I belong. Seeking for a kind of friendship that just wasn’t how the states work. I feel like I was bitter, all I did was complain about how things are rather than just accepting the negative aspects of it and working on the positives. Because I wasn’t used to this culture of no “after school” time at school, or people getting along because they shared interests and hobbies.  … I wasn’t like that. All I knew were Thai songs and Thai culture and school, was pretty much it. Sure orchestra was my savior from time to time, but it was still a hobby that wasn’t really something people liked to talk about.

By the time I got to high school I hated high school, I thought everyone changed, I felt like my junior high best friend was changing and I couldn’t connect well with her anymore. Every time I think of Greenday’s Time of Your Life song.. I think of our 9th grade farewell party and I look back,,, junior high wasn’t so bad.. Why didn’t I open myself to everyone sooner? Why was I so shy? I did find my place by the end of 10th grade in HS though, but before I knew it I was off to college in 11th grade.

While I was going to CCC I tried to visit my HS as often as I could but it was too hard. I ended up spending most of my time alone and online playing Maple Story. Honestly, the connections I made at this stage of my life some how became one of the most important people I met ever. For some reason, everyone just seem so.. sincere, honest, real? Not that we share anything in common besides this “Maple Story” game but we stay friends and often remind ourselves how important that moment was in our life. I’m a little happy that I’m not the only one who feels this way. So I guess, I never regret this moment in my life.

Funny thing is when I finally got into the UW, I thought I would enjoy my time at school more, but in the end it wasn’t different from college, in fact I wished I went out with the few friends I made at college. It was so hard making friends at the U because I came in as a transfer student, struggling to juggle love life, hobby and school. I was the biggest idiot at this point. Honestly, I still spent my time asking myself, why the hell did I not used the most out of my time there at the U? Who the heck cares if your BF thinks that studying in the library is stupid, who the hell cares if he thinks that study groups are pointless, why didn’t you try to hangout with other people more, do things at your own will, study harder, make more money. Why didn’t I do all of that? By the time I had the chance to do that.. it was already all too late, I’m graduating and I did.

As my train of thought went on,

 

I stopped..

and I realize that why do I spend my time regretting so much? Why don’t I just spend my time NOW how I should enjoy it? People always envy those who have a job, I know I sure did. I don’t have to stress about that homework that I used to stress about all the time. Oh, and what about that “I don’t have money” times, now I have that money to randomly go eat Boiling Point whenever I want.

そうだ、決めた。I try my best to not regret anymore.